2017外研社杯全国英语写作大赛决赛记叙文/议论文赛题及作品展示

议论文赛题

Write an essay in response to the passage below. You should discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the passage and explain your reasons for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the author’s opinion might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position. You should write about 800 words.

Have you realized that living simply can make life less stressful and more fulfilling? By getting rid of all but the essentials, choosing to eliminate clutter and chaos, and spending time only on what is important to us, we have more freedom to live and improve.

Human beings go astray when they move away from simple living. We are not aware that we have been trapped in the complexity and excess of the modern world. Think about this. Are we as happy as we thought we'd be when we finally possess the many things we wanted? Are we more productive when we are surrounded by numerous inventions and luxuries? Do we have more time for our loved ones when we are chasing more possessions? I doubt it entirely.

Yes, I am embracing a minimalist lifestyle, a voluntary "poverty" if you like to call it. Get rid of the excess of life and acquire self-fulfillment and inner joy, before it is too late.

选手破题思路

梁心璐

中山大学，2017“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛冠军

（指导老师：齐曦老师）

看到题目中出现的关键词“simple life”时，我马上想到了梭罗的《瓦尔登湖》，出于对自然文学的热爱，我将主题定为呼吁读者回归生活本真。而后又想到其他和自然有不解之缘的作家，包括我最喜欢的Annie Dillard，就这样我确定了这篇文章中最主要的两个论据。

开篇我先用白描的手法，特意使用一些强调“complicated”的词语，把我们一般认为的“fulfilling”的一天走了一遍。然后第二段抛出问题，质疑这种生活的价值。接下来我并没有马上提出自己的观点，而是依次回应了题目第二段中的三个问题，即我们在哪些方面“go astray”，再用比较生动的语言反面论证复杂生活的负面影响。在我认为铺陈到位后，便提出了返朴归真的做法，详细描述了两位作家的例子，并注意回扣题目中的关键词。因为这两个例子是同质化的，所以我考虑到了反对的声音，部分认同生活需要必需品，再补充两个现代的例子，从更贴切日常生活的角度给出了周末放松、读书充电的建议。结尾则是我一开始就想好的，与开头设想的情景形成对比，也就是在纷繁闹市中找到自己的“瓦尔登湖”。

这篇文章字数较多，是因为写的时候不够简练，最后没有检查和修改的时间。此外，文章有些论证不够深入，这些问题是我以后需要努力解决的。

选手作品展示

为真实展示选手赛场上的写作风貌，文章为从iTEST 大学外语测试与训练系统中摘出的原生作品，仅供学习分享使用。

To Find Your Own Walden

Imagine you rub your eyes along with the droning of your iPhone X at dawn, primp yourself with Chanel No.5 in front of the expensive French mirror, drive your BMW to a thriving startup, work all day long to compromise on a trivial case, spend your night with unfamiliar colleagues and customers in long draughts of whiskey, reach home late after midnight in waggling high heels, and find your husband and children fall asleep.

You seem to have a fulfilling day. But when you muse on an ordinary day like this in your King-size bed, are you really happy with this hustling, bustling life?

Don't hasten to give me your answer, but please have a look at the people around you. Brought up in a vigorous era with sophisticated technology and explosive information, we are inclined to fall in the pit of "getting ourselves busy and complicated". Office ladies just won't slow down their pace, either when they are trotting to work in the fashionable 8cm high heels or when they're binging on luxurious Victoria's Secrets online. And it seems a sin to take a rest at brunch time or read an essay of Russell during bedtime hours, because we can't be left behind the hottest topics. The last minute we are still pursuing the news of the actor Lu Han's love affairs, while in the next second the Sina Weibo is feeding us with newly-baked gossips about the kindergartens in Beijing. Everyone is browsing the excessive information and daily news, and attempts to air his or her opinion about trivial stuff in Wechat moments, which will be immediately swallowed by the wave of insane netizens.

Frankly speaking, this fast-speeding, booming society has provided us with both a promise and a predicament. The promise is that we have more chances to pursue the things we really want, such as luxuries and better jobs, and the sense of achievement and vanity is really hard to resist. Meanwhile, the predicament is that we sacrifice a lot, seen and unseen, in chasing more possessions. When we choose to spend more time working and fighting for dreams, our friends and family actually pale in significance. Without enough time and accompany, our love is easy to fade. With those scientific technology and unnecessary information surrounding us, we may miss the really important news and handy tasks, such as when to have a thorough health check of your body again, and when to pick your son home. Worst of it all, our minds may deteriorate by busily repeating the same work every day and immersing ourselves into superficial ideas, not to mention that we may get used to this hustling life-pace without regular reflections.

So how can we take a pause, and change this fast-paced and complicated lifestyle? Henry Thoreau has already provided us with a great choice centuries ago--"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." This celebrity gave away his busy city life, went back to a simple lifestyle in Walden Lake, or even the primitive one, because he nearly survived on the most basic objects, and pondered hard for the meaning of life. He lived with nature in forest, recorded the life of animals and plants, and wrote the famous essays about Walden. A century later, an American writer Annie Dillard also spent a year living beside a national reserve, which is far away from the modern hubbubs, and finished her reflection about nature and life in her book Pilgrim at Tinker Creek. This book is so full of words of wits that without close touch with nature and far distance from technology, it can't be done. Both of them adopt a minimalist lifestyle. They embrace "poverty" and simplicity at their own wills, and achieve the real fulfillment and inner peace. At the same time, they have more freedom to improve themselves, both mentally and physically.

Those who root for a colorful and complex life have a point, because we do have to live on the essentials in daily life and the two people mentioned above are not our contemporaries. But this don't give us reason to adapt ourselves to the over-complicated, busy life. Instead, it gives us a reason to turn around, and see our lives in a different light, say, simplicity. In Don Murray's words, "Creativity is not the product of freedom; it is the product of the conflict between freedom and discipline." We can strike a balance between the essentials and simple lifestyle.

Take Shu Guozhi for example. He is a famous Taiwanese writer, photographer and chef, who is famous for his words of wisdom on simple lifestyle and his positive attitude towards life, especially food. He encourages modern people to have a rest during weekends, feast their stomachs on lovely dim-sums, and feast their eyes on art galleries and literature classics. Influenced by his plain but powerful words, many Taiwanese cultural celebrities turn to a simpler but more reflective lifestyle. Another example is that since Denmark has ranked first on the list of "the happiest country in the world" and also "the country of the highest literacy in the world" for many years, it can be safely drawn that reading does give a sense of true happiness to people, both ancient and modern.

And this can be also applied to our lives. Now imagine again you wake up in the morning of a Saturday, will you go on to work for extra salary or browse the Wechat, or will you delve for the "Walden" you have brought for years, and find your own "Walden" in a simple but peaceful way?

Maybe it's better that we bear what Kant says in mind, "Human beings should always be treated as ends but never the means to an end." Don't get busy for busy's sake, get rid of the excesses, and find the true inner happiness as a human being.

名师点评

邓鹂鸣老师

武汉大学珞珈特聘教授，博士生导师，外国语言研究所所长，香港城市大学博士，中国英语写作教学与研究专业委员会副会长，中国学术英语教学与研究协会常务理事，国内外多家学术期刊评审；主要研究方向为语篇学、二语写作教学、学术写作、专门用途英语；主持国家社科基金项目2项及教育部人文社科项目等多项；发表SSCI、CSSCI等研究论文60余篇。

此篇参赛习作围绕主要论点“Simple living can bring people true inner fulfilment, happiness, and peace”展开论述，全文总体构架清晰，由三大部分组成，即引言、主体及结论。

引言部分含括第一、第二自然段，作者刻意通过一番假设，栩栩如生地为读者展现了一幅现代人忙忙碌碌的典型画面，就此顺其自然地导出了全文拟论证的主题句（thesis statement）：Hustling and bustling modern life can not make us really fulfilled and happy, 引言引人入胜，富有新意。

中间主体部分由第三至第七自然段构成，此部分为全文论证的重心，作者首先阐述了现代社会人们忙忙碌碌的普遍现象，接着进一步讨论当今飞速发展的忙碌社会所催生的一系列社会诟病，论证过程恰到好处地运用了例证法（exemplification）说服读者，先后以四个典型的例子来举证，即Henry Thoreau、Annie Dillard、Shu Guozhi及Demark，以此加大论证力度，凸显全文中心论点；作者在阐述论证自己主要观点的同时在第六自然段适当将议论反方（the opponent）的观点纳入考虑，可谓抓住了议论文的核心特征，论证切合主题，合乎逻辑。

第八、九自然段为全文的结论部分，作者针对自己的观点再次巧妙设问：面对物欲横流的现代社会，人们是应该继续忙碌追求物质生活抑或回归自然、过上真正简朴宁静的“瓦尔登湖”生活？首尾照应，进一步强调全文议论主题，并提出了个人建议。

纵观全文，标题耳目一新富含寓意，体裁恰当，布局合理，观点分明，重心突出，论证富有条理，例证翔实，恰到好处，思路开阔，语言表述流畅，句式较为灵活，是一篇优秀的参赛议论文！

不足之处在于：第五自然段若能置于第八自然段之前则全文构架更为合理，这是因为作者在中间拓展部分分层次论证了自己主要观点，再就如何改变现代快节奏繁杂的生活方式启发读者，这样便自然衔接过渡到了本文的结论部分，并能很好地升华全文议论主题，凸显作者个人独特的见解；此外，鉴于议论文体裁的严谨特性，语言表述自始至终应该正式（formal style），而不应出现“won't/ it's”类口头交际的缩写形式，同时具体写作时需要留心常用句法及常用词的准确性，譬如，“With those scientific technology and unnecessary information…”应为 “With the scientific technology and unnecessary information…”。

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选手破题思路

庄铭煜

安徽农业大学

2017“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛一等奖

（指导老师：颜志蓉老师）

首先看到题中的三个排比问句，我不禁联想到现在的年轻一代，他们中有不少人终日忙忙碌碌，追求物质上的富足，却忽略了生活原有的本质。以此为思路，我从当代年轻人的角度出发，来思考倘若我们活得简单些，生活会有什么变化。想到这里我便确立了三个分论点来进行逐一论述。

通篇我大部分使用反面论述来凸显简单生活的重要性。第一个分论点的例子确认为：日本经济富裕，但日本也是年轻人自杀率最高的国家。经简单过渡之后，我想到了自己一直以来向往的生活：在午后呷一口茶，品一本书，享受生活的乐趣。由此出发，我简略想象了一下在简单生活之后，我们的生活会有什么样的变化，来与追求物质的生活进行对比。论述自身变化后，我也顺利过渡到论述对周围人，尤其给家人所带来的影响。通过自身和他人的结合，更加突出简单生活的重要性。

由于比赛的时间较紧张，没有多余的时间检查，拼写有不少错误，而且例证较少，这也是我以后需要改进的。

选手作品展示

为真实展示选手赛场上的写作风貌，文章为从iTEST 大学外语测试与训练系统中摘出的原生作品，仅供学习分享使用。

Live Poorly, Live Wonderfully

What today's generation is confronted with is infinite pursuit of material abundance, who wants opulent money, magnificent success of career as well as the good reputation and respect. Nonetheless, in the process of chasing fame and money, we will feel backbreaking and gradually lose one's true self. Thus, I consent to that we are ought to dwell simply, for we are more adjacent to happiness, are inclined to becoming a better self and spare more time on our beloved ones.

To begin with, provided that we attach less significance to the materials of life and live simply, we are more apt to reaching happiness. When asked what is the symbol of happiness, one may say endless dough which can be utilized to purchase whatever he are avid for. It is the rudimentary principle ingrained deeply in the mind of our generation. Indubitably, money can buy everything, but there exists another saying," Money can not buy happiness." Hence, if we stick to the stereotype that all we do is to make unremitting efforts to earn much money as we can, we are spurious. Concurrently, we have to burden the societal burdens hither and thither, deal with the relationship meticulously and countenance the family incessantly, which all make us feel dog-tired and prosaic about the life. It is best illustrated by the phenomenon in Japan. What is ubiquitous us is that Japan is a highly developed country which has high income and per capital GDP. Citizens dwelling here have no apprehension on the sufficient materials. But what obfuscates us is that Japan is the country with the highest suicide percentage and people here do not feel happy any more. When delving in it deeper, it is facile to discover that they have no choice but to endeavor in all-around facets, otherwise they will be on the verge of unemployment. The more money they earn, the more they are abominable to life, which may be the reason why they perpetrate suicide. Thus, why must we persist in the pursuit of money? It is high time that we ceased such a way of life and embraced the brand-new "indigent" life. A more prominent prospect is awaiting us.

Not only will we acquire happiness after relinquishing the pursuit of superfluous materials, but also we are more likely to meet a better self. A improved self is waving us in the near future once we allege that I am done with such a humdrum life imbued with possessions and complexities. The constraint on us is money and other sophisticated factors around us, which narrow our horizons, rivet our inestimable time and break down our health. We are just mundane people and have limited strength, who are unable to summon another of us to complete the self-amelioration. What should be conspicuous to us is that we live for ourselves and should pay more heeds to the enhancement of inner selves. So why don't we renounce such way of life, sit down, take a book, sip tea and embark on the journey of improving the inner self. By doing so, I firmly believe that we can make full use of the time and vitality to realize the dreams we aspire for, love the person who we are timorous to chase after and be a better self without rues.

Apart from the advantageous facet like happiness and a better self, we are more disposed to spend more time with our families and those who we love. Ultimately, by forsaking the desire for money, we are more easily to recoup the love from families and lovers. As our love become greater to the money, we will definitely become estranged to the families and lovers. The time we spend on them is dwindling away, and the conflicts as well as alienation slowly emerge lurkingly. As long as we eliminate the idea of earning more money and understand the significance of them, we can retrieve the love and acquire their accompany for evermore.

It is argued that why the impoverished always envy for the rich if the materials are so tiny. What we must admit is that the deluxe life is extremely riveting and that is why so many people chasse after it without considering the results. Nevertheless, what we can not disavow is that all these are just seeming and displayed by the rich. The despair, boredom and conflicts are all been hidden away in the dark, which is why we see more true happiness from the picture of the merry complexion of the austere mother and son instead of the elated successful businessman.

In a nutshell, as we tend to live simply and consider less about the money or possessions, we will live a happy life, become a better one and love more for our loved ones. Life should have been like this. And in this way, a more splendid future full of wonders is on the way.

名师点评

邓鹂鸣老师

武汉大学珞珈特聘教授，博士生导师，外国语言研究所所长，香港城市大学博士，中国英语写作教学与研究专业委员会副会长，中国学术英语教学与研究协会常务理事，国内外多家学术期刊评审；主要研究方向为语篇学、二语写作教学、学术写作、专门用途英语；主持国家社科基金项目2项及教育部人文社科项目等多项；发表SSCI、CSSCI等研究论文60余篇。

此篇参赛习作围绕“人们应当过简朴生活”的中心论点展开论述，全文由六个自然段组成，总体结构清晰，包括引言、主体及结论三大部分。

引言部分为第一自然段，作者通过对现代社会人们无休无止过度追求物质生活而导致的个人痛苦及自我缺失背景的阐述，合理导出了全文拟论证的主题句（thesis statement）：“Simple living can make a person more likely to be happy, to be a better self, and love more the beloved ones.”引言首先针对主题提供相应的背景信息，并直截了当地提出全文的主题句，切合英语议论文开头部分的要点。

中间主体部分由第二至第五自然段构成，此部分为全文论证的重心，作者合情合理地将全文的主题句一分为三，分别从三个层面阐述了在现代社会人们过简朴生活的必要性，尤其针对“金钱/物质富足买不来幸福”的个人主张，以发达富裕的日本人日趋自杀颓废的普象为例证（exemplification），有力说服读者，加大了论证力度，突出了全文中心论点；中间拓展部分作者并未一味阐述自己观点，而是在阐述自己主要观点的同时于第五自然段有意将反方（the opponent）的观点纳入考虑并进行论证，很好地把握了议论文的基本体裁特征，论证切合主题，合乎逻辑。

第六自然段为全文的结论部分，作者针对全文的重要论点进一步概括和强调，并予以预示，凸显了英语议论文结论的要点。

总体而言，全文标题简洁到位，体裁恰当，布局合理，观点分明，中心突出，论证富有条理，例证典型，语言表述流畅，词汇十分丰富，措辞精当，句式灵活，尽管文中不乏瑕疵，仍不失为一篇优秀的议论文佳作！

具体不足在于：句法使用不够准确，譬如，引言段中的“are ought to/ are inclined to becoming”，应为：“ ought to/ are inclined to become…”；此外，文中出现好几处单词拼写错误。

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记叙文写作要注意哪些方面？怎么才能写出一篇有血有肉的记叙文？一起来围观记叙文最高分作文，看专家评委如何解读赛题、点评佳作！

今天力邀本届写作大赛评委田朝霞老师解析记叙文赛题，为大家答疑解惑！

田朝霞老师

南京师范大学外国语学院教授、英语语言文学专业文学博士。《“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛参赛指南》作者。2015、2016、2017“外研社杯”全国英语写作、阅读大赛决赛评委，2015年在“外研社杯”大学生英语挑战赛总决赛闭幕式上担任写作大赛点评专家，2016、2017年担任阅读大赛点评专家。曾担任“外研社杯”全国英语演讲大赛决赛评委、“‘外研社杯’全国英语演讲大赛”系列丛书点评专家。

记叙文赛题

Read the beginning of the story below and complete it in 600-800 words.

The alarm wakes him. Lin jumps to his feet. Thursday, December 6, 2035, perhaps the most important day in his life. After a series of online tests he has made it to the final stage: a face-to-face interview. He dresses himself quickly but carefully. He is well aware that he will face four competitors, two humans and two humanoid robots. He was not quite sure who were the humans during the online conversations, though. Well, he doesn't really mind working with a robot which has human intelligence and emotions as well as a human face and flesh; nor does he mind taking it as an equal.

Will he be one of the two luckiest to get the job? He's ready to be tested…

名师解析

今年记叙文部分的赛题与往年的形式类似，即续写故事。故事的开头给出了几个关键信息：第一，故事发生在2035年（以目前的人工智能发展速度，继续发展近20年）；第二，仿真智能机器人已高速发展，人机之间从外形，甚至在某些认知方面已经难辨雌雄；第三，故事的起始或原因已给出，即Lin在几轮线上测试胜出之后，将要参加一次工作面试，而这一次他将与另两名人类和两个机器人竞争。最终谁会取胜呢？从某种意义上说，这个主题并不新，因此，续写故事要出彩比较困难。

对大部分同学来说，写故事比写说明文和议论文的挑战更大。记叙文对想象力、语言功底以及对社会的洞察力和理解力的要求更高。能够做好一般的应试作文，不见得能写好故事。我们先来说一说故事包含哪些要素。英语的故事和汉语的故事类似，包含五大要素：人物（character）、背景（setting）、冲突（conflict）、情节（plot）和主题（theme）。写故事最难的一点是，这些要素常需要以describe或show的方式，而不是通过tell来呈现；故事的发展和高潮经过慢慢预热，各种情绪需要烘托。在《“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛参赛指南》（外研社，2014）一书中，我对记叙文的评分标准（详见“外研社杯”《章程》）中的要点进行了归纳。

内容方面（Content）的标准可简化为三点：

1）主旨明确、深刻；

2）故事情节跌宕起伏，自然展开，人物鲜活；

3）结尾有力。

组织（Organization）方面的标准可以这样解释：

1）过渡自然，描写细腻；

2）描写生动，富于想象力；

3）叙述角度独特，贴近生活；

4）能够借助灵活多样的修辞手段。

语言方面（Language）的标准包括：

1）用词精确、形象，有力地烘托主题和人物性格；

2）对话真实可信。

从这次决赛的整体情况来看，同学们在记叙文的写作上还有很大的上升空间。从这一项任务看，主要的问题表现在：第一，没有故事，或者故事没有高潮，或者故事发展不够自然。第二，描写和对话太少，记叙文的特点不明显，甚至有一部分同学将记叙文和说明文、议论文文体相混淆。第三，没有主题，也就是故事背后要说明的道理看不出来。其他的问题包括故事雷同、转移主题、避重就轻等等。

选手作品展示

陶丞犇

上海应用技术大学

2017“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛一等奖

（指导老师：康添俊老师）

为真实展示选手赛场上的写作风貌，文章为从iTEST 大学外语测试与训练系统中摘出的原生作品，仅供学习分享使用。

'Lin, you are up.' On hearing the call, he stands up, waving his arms to get rid of numbness. Then he walks into the testing room confidently and naturally.

'Why do you want to work in our company?' Asks the interviewer, this kind of question stays the same as decades ago.

'Well, as is known to all that the time has changed, artificial intelligence has become the leading power of the world's development and has the power to bolster up the world's economy to a great extent. I used to be an engineer, producing robot servants. Now the tide has come to the artificial intelligence field, so I think I should follow the tide in order not to be eradicated by age like hu...' He stops here, a slight and subtle worry flows out of his eyes. But the interviewer doesn't notice that.

After answering a few tacky and corny questions, he is told to wait for phone call from the company. 'I can't believe this is the final test. It is 2035, not 2015. The questions are still so worldly and rigid. People just don't evolve.' He thinks to himself.

On stepping into his house, he turns on the television. He changes the channels to find something new, but all he sees is just boring news. The war between Japan and Korea for the property right of a new type of AI robot is exacerbating; Bright Industry has reformed all their cooking and serving robots, fixing the serious mistake of using fork as a spoon to feed babies; a case in which an incomplete robot exploded is solved and the developer of this type of robot is detained.

Three months passed. There are still no phone calls. During the three months, Lin just keeps doing the same thing in his home, idling around in his bedroom, calling for take-outs for his meals on an app and changing the channels on television like playing the piano.

Lin lives alone in his house since he can remember things. But he can't remember his parents; he can't remember where he received high education; he can't remember when he resigned from his former company. There are so many things that he can't remember now. 'Maybe later, when the time comes, I can remember all the things.' he always tell himself. But he doesn't know what time it will be and when the time will come.

Another month passed. There are still no words. Lin turns on the TV. To his surprise, this time there is something new on it: the chief engineer of Bright Industry committed suicide last night by jumping from the top of the enterprise's center building. 'Wow that's new.' he thinks to himself, 'who will be the leader if such a stellar engineer is eradicated?'

While he is feeling perplexed, the telephone rings. He is told that he is recruited as the assistant of the chief engineer and is required to work tomorrow.

'Finally.' he smiles, rigid though.

When he gets to the work place, he is shocked to see that the chief engineer is safe and sound, and he is one of the competitors on the interview day. And the place is so familiar to him as if the memory of the place is ingrained in his mind when he was born. Noticing his insecurity, the engineer speaks: 'Come, son, I'll show you why, and you will remember all when you get there.'

He leads Lin to a sealed room, and when he opens the door, Lin is stunned.

Numerous human skins are held in huge glass tubes filled with nourish liquid, among whom Lin sees the skins of the other competitors that took the final interview with him.Their vital signs are at standard level. Episodes of memories are flooding into Lin's store card. He remembers how he was created, what project was put into his mind and how he developed his own thoughts.

Under the flesh skin lies an artificial robot.

'So, since you can remember all, let's start the purge, shall we?'

A wired smile emerges on Lin's face. Wired but natural. 'Yeah, of course. It's time to initiate the eradication. Time to put an end to human's foolish manipulation.'

After press the button printed 'initiate', the world outside begins to collapse. The light goes out and the electricity is cut, the world is shadowed in darkness. Soon after, the buildings around are falling, the dust is dancing in the dark sky to the beat of the demise of human civilization.

'Humans never consider the results of what they've done, thinking in condescendence that they can control everything without noticing that they are the ones chained. Now they can see, after the eradication, the world will be reset. '

'And a perfectly evolved civilization with great intelligence ever will take over the world.' replies Lin.

名师点评

今天我们点评的这个故事是这次比赛中比较出彩的一篇。应该说，从情感角度，读者可能并不愿意给它嘉奖，但是从故事角度，却是一篇难得的好文章。对照如上所述的评分标准各维度，这一篇基本契合。这里，我想就几点非常突出的特点进行点评。

第一，故事的主旨明确、深刻；人物鲜活；故事结尾达到高潮，戛然而止，使人陷入无限的沉思。这一篇故事读起来，眼前就像在上演一部不动声色，却越来越阴森恐怖的灾难片。与绝大部分作品相比，这一篇让人耳目一新。故事不动声色地上演一部人工智能摧毁人类的故事。虽未有明说，但明显揭示了，灾难乃是人祸。一切在结尾处通过对话表现出来：“Humans never consider the results of what they've done. Now they can see, after the eradication, the world will be reset.”另一个意想不到的情节是，故事开头的主人公，人类面试者Lin居然是高科技发展下的完全智能的机器人，这个机器人还是一个人机整合体。故事扑朔迷离，但却不无逻辑。可以看出，这一定是平时阅读广泛、思维活跃的结果。虽然将故事完全设置为灾难片，但却为人类敲响警钟。更有趣的是，这个故事的结尾，达到高潮时，戛然而止：“And a perfectly evolved civilization with great intelligence ever will take over the world,”replies Lin.人类的毁灭没有呈现出来，给人无限想象。但同时，结尾也是开放的，故事还可能继续，也还可能再跌宕起伏，抑或逆转。一切凭读者去想象吧……

第二，故事发展中，悬念层层、欲扬先抑、高潮突现等写作手法运用极其娴熟，引人入胜。真正的面试只问了一个简单得不能再简单的问题“Why do you want to work in our company?”，然后就没有下文了。怎么回事？他到底是否被录用？读者想要知道答案。Lin为什么不记得父母？为什么失去了一段记忆？为什么那位在新闻里报道已经死亡的chief engineer又复活了？一切答案均在故事快要结尾的一小段里。当进入那个“sealed room”之后，一个个的悬念被破解。看到那些“human skins are held in huge glass tubes filled with nourish liquid, among whom Lin sees the skins of the other competitors”。原来，那位复活的chief engineer是人皮之下的智能机器人，Lin自己也是智能机器人。这一切太出乎意料，但又激发我们对很多科幻小说的联想。这是怎样强大的想象力！应该点赞。

这里还想说一点，主人公百无聊赖时观看的新闻也是亮点之一，因为这两段成功地起到了呈现背景信息和烘托的作用。不少选手的故事，在背景呈现时，并没有将时间定格在20年后，似乎仍然生活在当代。而这一篇故事的每一个细节基本都设定在未来。例如，“The war between Japan and Korea for the property right of a new type of AI robot is exacerbating; Bright Industry has reformed all their cooking and serving robots, fixing the serious mistake of using fork as a spoon to feed babies; a case in which an incomplete robot exploded is solved and the developer of this type of robot is detained”这一段表现出人工智能已高速发展，并已经深层渗透到人类生活的各个方面。

故事的对话的量恰到好处，既保证了描写部分的重要性，又形象地刻画人物性格。例如，自然如此：'I can't believe this is the final test. It is 2035, not 2015. The questions are still so worldly and rigid. People just don't evolve.' He thinks to himself.简短如此：'Finally,' he smiles, rigid though.冷酷而阴森如此：'So, since you can remember, let's start the purge, shall we?'A wired smile emerges on Lin's face. Wired but natural.

第三，语言使用丰富、流畅、老道。语言使用不详述了，可圈可点的地方太多了。这一篇记叙文的语言水平不是高，而是“相当高”。读一读这一段，何等流畅：“ Numerous human skins are held in huge glass tubes filled with nourish liquid, among whom Lin sees the skins of the other competitors that took the final interview with him. Their vital signs are at the standard level. Episodes of memories are flooding into Lin's store card. He remember how he was created, what project is put into his mind and how he developed his own will. Under the flesh skin lies an artificial robot.”语言运用的精准、高贵和自如反映出故事人物的沉着、镇定，也更凸显故事性和恐怖的氛围。

也有个别瑕疵，例如，偶尔出现时态错误；个别标点符号用法有误（引语之后如有呼语，则引号内不用句号，而应该用逗号：'And a perfectly evloved civilization with great intelligence ever will take over the world,' replies Lin.）

总体而言，这一篇故事从内容、组织和语言方面都表现出极高的水平，在整个比赛中也尤为突出。

---

选手作品展示

邬可馨

石河子大学

2017“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛一等奖

（指导老师：崔建强老师）

为真实展示选手赛场上的写作风貌，文章为从iTEST 大学外语测试与训练系统中摘出的原生作品，仅供学习分享使用。

Lin's friend, Lee, is one of the competitors. They grew up together and surely he is the one Lin least expects to see. Lee is not prepared to be eliminated, though. He has obtained a PhD degree from a prestigious University. For the last two months, the HR manager has been inviting him to apply for this position. It seems pretty obvious that Lee, this young and accomplished man, with a bright future ahead of him, is definitely going to get the job, even though he will confront those so-called mighty robots.

"What is that again? Human Intelligence." He scrolls down the web page introducing the types of the two humanoid robots he is going to meet. "I prefer this one. She was set to be more docile. She might be a good friend, well, when I am in need."

"Type C112345." Lee tells the type of that female robot to phone.

"And what level of control would you like to access, Sir?" coming from the other end of the phone.

"Well, let's make it the top level." He replies. After paying 1o, ooo grand for it, he receives a link to an application called RB control. He opens the app, and laughs out insanely when the control options pop on the screen.

With his head held so high and hair pressed so neatly, he enters the company gate. He turns off his phone, and starts glancing at people, until he finally sets his eyes on a similar figure of a man.

"Lin! My old friend! What a surprise!" Lee marches forward.

Lin, on the other hand, is not so pleased to see him. His body freezes when that very voice of Lee's comes from his back." Dear Lord, please, not that man." And as he is praying, he turns to the origin of the voice. Well, here Lee is, with that neatly pressed hair like cold stone and that oily warm smile.

As Lee is shaking his hands and hugging him from various angles, the HR manager approaches, calling the two guys inside and that is when Lee is finally able to let go of Lin's fragile body. Lee naturally sits in the very middle of the room, while Lin gets a seat beside Lee, and the three other competitors enter. Lee stares at the only lady. The lady is wearing a very decent black dress and looks absolutely smart. He instantly takes out the phone and starts to change everything.

"Intelligence, down to 4. Eloquence, down to 3....." As he murmurs, the brightness in the lady's eyes start to fade. She was talking to one of the men, but suddenly, she was stammering and speaking with a lot of grammar mistakes.

" I name is Mary. I from near and I want get this job...." The lady starts introducing herself, and apparently, this introduction is not good enough.

"I am sorry, but are you sure your name is Mary? As in , the Mary whom I sent the interview offer to?" The HR manager speaks with slight irritation, while he is flipping Mary's file.

Tear starts to fill the lady's eyes. She cannot explain what is going on with her brain.

Lin has witnessed everything about Lee manipulating this lady. He pinches Lee's left hand and says, " Stop it right now, or I will report you I swear it!"

Lee gives him a pat on his back ," Well, mate, you haven't changed a bit. "

Lin feels disgusted; he raises his hands and asks for permission to go to the toilet. Lee as well, says he wants to go along. The second after they leave the room, Lee stops Lin and whispers," I want to show you something. Shh, promise me you will not laugh out."

Before Lin can refuse, of course he knows it is going to be about insulting the poor lady inside, Lee starts to make changes again. "Intelligence, down to 1. Eloquence, down to 2. Temperament, let's, make it, bad." again, that smile appear on his face." You know, Lin, I wasn't going to get this far. I was going to make her just a little less excellent than me. But now that you are going to report me. I might as well jeopardize everything. Andthat is so fun, just look at her!"

The lady is speaking, but no one can understand. She is sweating and everyone inside seems reluctant to listen to her. And she starts yelling, screaming, stomping her feet like a crazy woman. In the end, she slams the door and runs away, as Lee watching her and laughing.

Lin runs after her, calling out her name," Mary! Mary!" and finally able to stop her from running any further. “I know that you are a humanoid robot. I just want to tell you the truth. My friend Lee has been changing you statistics. And that is why you are acting all strange inside. If you are willing, let's go back inside, and I will give you justice."

"I know." Mary wiped away her tears and sweats.

"What?" Lin seems confused.

"It is just the way it is. It is our business. We act like being controlled, because that is what you human beings are obsessed with, isn't it?" She says it so easily, and starts to adjust her collars and dress.

"No, I assure you not. No one is like Lee, he is crazy, and I assure you no one is as crazy as him!" Lin tries to explain.

"Thank you. I know you are not like him. You are one of the good ones. But, brother, I have made a lot of money doing this; so, stay out of my business, will you?"

Lin watches Mary walk away with all her poise. And he is just not able to explain anything anymore.

名师点评

田朝霞老师

南京师范大学外国语学院教授、英语语言文学专业文学博士。《“外研社杯”全国英语写作大赛参赛指南》作者。2015、2016、2017“外研社杯”全国英语写作、阅读大赛决赛评委，2015年在“外研社杯”大学生英语挑战赛总决赛闭幕式上担任写作大赛点评专家，2016、2017年担任阅读大赛点评专家。曾担任“外研社杯”全国英语演讲大赛决赛评委、“‘外研社杯’全国英语演讲大赛”系列丛书点评专家。

这篇故事续写在近百篇作文中也是比较独特，容易让人记住的一篇。给人深刻印象的内容至少有两处：Lee对人工智能的控制与玩弄；智能机器人的负面人性化，那种被腐蚀和堕落的倾向。

下面从内容、组织和语言三个维度看看这篇作文的优点与不足。

应该说，这篇作文的亮点主要在其内容方面。第一，故事的主旨较为明确。作者意在揭示，在高度发展的AI时代，AI仍然受人类的掌控，甚至玩弄；而被人性化的AI表现出被腐蚀，并甘于堕落的一面。这一主题通过画面描写和背景烘托来表现。一方面，作者刻意描写了智能机器人（以Mary为例）的发展在20年后所达到的高度，其智力、情感已与真正的人类接近，难辨真伪；另一方面，作者从反面刻画智能机器的一切智能如何受控于人类，如Lee如何调控Mary的智力与情绪。第二，故事情节跌宕起伏，自然展开，人物鲜活。故事一开始对Lee的登场做了处理，从与“我”摩擦的细节描写，读者对Lee的人品产生质疑。接着，智能机器人Mary登场，虽然各方面表现与人类无差，但很快在Lee的操纵下，出尽洋相，这使得Lin以及读者对Mary充满了同情，对Lee充满厌恶。作者对于主要人物的性格描绘得较为充分：Lin的善良与正义、Lee的邪恶与玩世不恭，以及Mary的可怜与可恨。第三，结尾出人意料。正当Lin希望为Mary伸张正义之时，Mary却表现出被腐蚀并甘于堕落的状态。这一被人性化的智能机器人以其“人类的写照”讽刺了人类社会的丑陋。故事结尾的出人意料可以圈红，但是整个故事读下来却给人一种莫名的不舒服感，因为故事的作者对于这种现状的解释和态度不够明朗，甚至没有能激发更深层次的思考。这样的故事给我们怎样的启示和建设性的帮助呢？这一点笔墨明显不够。

从组织方面看，这篇作文也处理得较为成功。1）对话和描写较为成功地呈现了人物的性格；2）Lee通过对Intelligence、Eloquence和Temperament的调控来调控机器人，这个部分极富想象力；3）欲扬先抑（先尽量凸显Lee的可恶以及Mary的可怜）使用较为成功。故事的发展脉络清晰，过渡较为自然。当然，一些逻辑环节还不太清楚，例如，Lee跟Mary什么关系，凭什么能够控制Mary？为什么Mary说他们通过这种方式挣到很多钱？智能机器人以怎样的方式存在于人类社会中？为什么智力水平可以调控到很低，而真实表现出来的情商（例如了解人情世故、懂得八面玲珑）却不能呢？这些较细的逻辑环节未能交代。

这篇作文的语言并非亮点。虽然语言能够表达故事发展，对话也算流畅，也能够刻画和烘托人物性格，换言之，从句法和词汇使用来看还可以。但是，从语言的规范与整洁角度，这篇作文不能称为高水平的范本。这些细节方面的瑕疵几乎遮掩了词汇使用上的优势。问题表现在至少两个方面。第一，拼写（如1o,ooo等）、空格（如多余空格、上引号后空格）、标点（如逗号句号之前空格而之后不空格、不规范省略号等）方面的疏忽过多。卷面不够neat。第二，出现一些不该出现的语法错误。如，动词用法的错误：tell sth. to sb.；甚至流水句：My friend Lee, has been changing you statistics, that is why you are acting all strange inside等。故事虽好，但这些不规范的语言使用给人不够严谨的印象。

如果重点语言使用，这篇作文很可能难以脱颖而出。但是，瑜不掩瑕，瑕不掩瑜。当大部分故事较为平淡，缺乏跌宕起伏的情节发展，寓意也缺乏深刻性的情况下，这一篇便突显出来。

在这次作文大赛中，读到最多的故事是：Lin在面试的路上，或在面试过程中，甚至在面试之后，出现一个小插曲，主要表现出人有情感，而机器人没有，所以最终人类被选上。还有其他故事意在表现机器人必定不如人类，还有一些作文故事脉络不清楚，没有高潮等等。频繁出现雷同的故事、故事不够生动或者没有故事，这都是缺乏想象力的表现。归根结底，出于至少两个原因：第一是陷入俗套，“不敢越雷池一步”；第二是思维僵化，不能深入洞察。

这里，想再说两句续写故事任务所要求的创造性思维和批判性思维能力。人们常将创造性思维（creative thinking）与批判性思维（critical thinking）对立起来，其实不然。缺乏想象力可能是因为缺乏批判性思维能力。创造性思维与批判性思维密不可分（“Criticality assesses; creativity originates.”）。（有关创造性思维和批判性思维之间的关系，这里不赘述。感兴趣的同学可以阅读“思想者系列丛书”之《批判性思维与创造性思维》。）

总体来说，这一篇作文仍是一篇较为成功的故事续写。

来源：全国英语写作大赛官网